


Best Butts of Hyrule!

by Gerudo_Fanfiction_Club



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunkenness, M/M, Multi, POV Multiple, POV Third Person, Slow Burn, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-25 00:45:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14367276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gerudo_Fanfiction_Club/pseuds/Gerudo_Fanfiction_Club
Summary: “Listen: The last guy I helped save the world was this sexless, fumbling twink that didn’t know what his dick was for and kept yelling at everything he couldn’t understand”, snipped Navi. “It took me one thousand years to sleep off the fucking migraine, so anywhere we go from there is an upgrade.”*Some plot bunnies should just be beaten to death with a shovel. I’m not that cruel, so they all end up frolicking in this crackfic, along with jokes so mediocre that you can feel your mind shutting down brain cells in self-defence. Come for Link’s internal ravings, Wolf-Link’s exasperation, Navi’s blunt sassiness, Sidon’s glorious ass, Bazz’s poorly repressed sexuality and a whole lot of soul-numbing crack. Stay for the cracking of my voice, begging you not to go as you try to escape through the window. Chapters are short and painful, like Navi.WILL TRY TAKING REQUESTS/PROMPTS FOR THIS FIC!Comment or send an ask tomy Tumblr.new chapter:IV: Link, meet World





	1. I: Sidon receives a Commendation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Zora unite in celebration of one of their finest assets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is mostly for shits and giggles, tbh. In this version of Hyrule nothing is understated, and everything is exaggerated. I have a few short chapters lined up and I’ll probably start by firing them off one every other day until you beg me to stop. I catch writer’s block at the same frequency that a member of a small-town high school wrestling club catches herpes. Smashing out a few paragraphs of this really helps me through it, and I thought – why not share it?  
> I would be happy to adopt any volatile plot bunnies and give them a home here, if you want – in other words, I’d like to try **taking requests!** Give me ideas and let me destroy them. I’ll write almost anything, probably.

Sidon was visibly trembling. Even though he tried to act as if the competition didn’t matter to him, he had to admit it had him pretty excited. After all, more or less everyone in the domain had put in their vote, even the elders! And to get the elders to do _anything_ was a feat in itself.

He could feel Mipha’s statue silently judging him when he passed it on his way up to the throne room, where the results soon would be announced. He shivered under her stone-cold gaze and could almost hear her gentle, but exasperated voice – “ _Sidon”_ , she would’ve said, “ _how did it come to this?”_. Oh, he knew all too well.

*

It had started out as a simple question of preference. Sidon had been enjoying a rare night out with his best friend Bazz, who also brought along his fellow guard colleagues Rivan and Dunma. Bazz was the very paragon of self-restraint, professionalism and mellowness. At least up to his fifth cup of wine.

“What do you _mean_ , not that important?! He drawled, brandishing his empty cup accusingly at Rivan, “it’s like… a guy’s best feature!”

Rivan glanced at Dunma and coughed.

“Dad”, deadpanned Dunma, “you _can_ talk about butts around me, you know. I am one hundred and ten years old.”

Rivan did not look convinced and busied himself by filling his cup. Bazz had slung an arm around Sidon and leaned into him unashamedly, as he tended to do when drunk. Everyone was aware of the implications of this except for Sidon, and unfortunately, Bazz himself.

He put down his empty cup, so the hand was free to reach down and give Sidon’s romp a good pat. Sidon almost choked on his wine.

“I mean”, sighed Bazz, “have you _seen_ this thing?!”

Dunma smiled impishly as she looked between Bazz and Sidon. “yes, but do tell me more”, she smirked.

“Traitor”, hissed Sidon. Her smile sharpened.

“It’s like”, slurred Bazz, “if you’d take one _perfect_ hydromelon, paint it lussf... _lusciously_ red,” Dunma giggled, “then cleave it prrurf… _perfectly_ down the middle.” Sidon blushed. “ _That’s_ how… how great it is”, promised Bazz with a sage nod.

“Could we not discuss my buttocks at the table, my friends?” Sidon prompted easily with his usual assertive smile, although it looked a little bit more strained than usual.

“So… where _can_ we dish… discuss it, then?” drawled Bazz, his smile just shy of too sultry. Dunma cackled loudly, attracting the curious glances of several patrons by the surrounding tables.

“In whatever company that does not include my _daughter_ , preferably”, grumbled Rivan before taking a swig of his drink. He was ignored.

“So… would you say Sidon’s behind is the _best_ in all of the domain?” snickered Dunma, before receiving a maiming glare from her father and a disbelieving look from Sidon. Bazz rose to the bait.

“Why, _yes_!” he nodded, then turned to Sidon, suddenly serious. “Sidon, it’s not, like, persh… _personal_ or anything, it’s just…”, he gave Sidon’s butt another pat as he thought, “…a matter of obebt- _objectivity_ ”, he declared. “And aesh- _aesthetics_ ”, he finished.

Rivan had put his head down on the table, clearly no longer a part of the conversation. Dunma’s Cheshire smile showed all of her razor-sharp teeth. Sidon looked wistfully at his empty cup.

Since Dunma’s father’s silent resistance no longer was at play the smirking Zora started to goad Bazz on mercilessly, until each patron of the little Zoran bar probably could list the top five qualities of Sidon’s derriere in their sleep.

The little gathering of members from Sidon’s Fan Club in one of the corner booths were probably taking notes. Suddenly Bazz had risen from the table with a jolt, mumbling something about “legitimacy”, before stumbling out into the night.

*

Bazz’ drunken cry for a vote to decide _The Best Butt of Hyrule_ spread through the domain like wildfire would spread through the Tabanthan plains. The Sidon Fan Club rose up to the challenge of moderating and counting, and even though this could rise suspicions of foul play, no one really had it in them to care.

Half of the Zoras thought it would be a serious honour for their prince to win, whilst the other half probably wanted to watch him squirm, for once. Maybe one could question the timing of the whole affair – Vah Ruta became more of a threat for each passing day – but this was exactly why the Zora needed this. They needed something to unite over, something to celebrate, to forget their worries for a moment – and Sidon’s butt would be that thing.

The throne room was bustling with life. Almost every Zora in the domain had gathered to witness the ceremony. King Dorephan seemed in a jovial mood as he rested on his throne, clearly finding the entire situation amusing.

Muzu did not.

He grumbled and bristled, muttering about “ _etiquette_ ” and _“crassness_ ” until the king decided to silence him by giving him the honour of revealing the results. Sidon could swear he saw a vein pop by Muzu’s right eye.

The king coughed gently, and all the assembled quieted. Muzu reluctantly stepped forward.

“Fellow Zora”, he sighed, “we have gathered here today to announce the winner of”, he squinted at the paper, “the _glorious_ title of… Best Butt of Hyrule”, mumbled Muzu, the last words slightly rushed.

“What was that last part?” someone wondered.

“BEST BUTT”, barked Muzu, “…of Hyrule.” He coughed. “And the winner is…”

Sidon could feel his buttcheeks clench.

“PRINCE SIDON!”

The crowd erupted in cheer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Zorans didn’t even consider searching for eligible butts outside of the domain – Not even the best Hylian butt could compare to the flattest Zoran butt, they’d decided.  
>  **Next up:** Our hero wakes up. He’s not thrilled.  
>  Send me requests/plot ideas in the comments or at [my Tumblr!](https://gerudofanfictionclub.tumblr.com/)  
> If anyone has advice on how to actually... take requests, that would be bangin


	2. II: But I had Such a Good Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link wakes up, thinks a lot, then decides that he’s done with thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcanon is that link retains his muscle memory and instincts, but must struggle to remember basically everything else, no matter how simple. I’ll probably run this to the extreme in this fic.

“ _Link…”_

The huge korok leaf floated gently under him, somehow not sticking to the sea of honey which seemed to stretch on for miles. The sweet smell of it wafted teasingly around his nose, tickling the little hairs there. It was probably what woke him up, although he could also feel a voice pushing at the back of his mind. He sat up, stretched, and dunked his head in the sweet honey for a morning wash, doubling as breakfast.

“ _Open your eyes…”_

The voice made him startle, almost choking on the honey. Next to him a small honey-drenched cucco suddenly sat, its head that of a blonde, sharp-eared girl. He knew that girl! Who was she again? Her red feathers were heavy with honey so he picked her up gently, happy to assist. He licked the feathers carefully and the cucco giggled and fluttered its feathers. The girlhead on top of the feathery neck looked less impressed, however. She opened her mouth.

“ _Wake up, Link…”_

And he did. The warm, fuzzy feeling gave way to the chocking coldness of stone on his back and he felt cool, gentle water receding, leaving him shivering. His mouth felt impossibly dry and he choked down a mouthful of air that scratched down into his unused lungs. No. Nonono, thank you. Where did the honey lake go? He terribly missed that honey lake.

Everything was a bit of a blur after that. He could remember stumbling around, his legs stale and unresponsive. He remembered a word: extremities. It came with a girl-voice, haughty and serious, but it was a voice that made him smile. The word made sense, somehow: his legs were acting extreme; extremely clueless. Then there was this weird piece of slate that he pried from a funny piece of stone pillar. The disembodied voice told him to take it, so he did. The slate made happy noises when he fiddled with It, but he had no idea what they were supposed to mean. He put it to his hip and suddenly it sort of… hung there. Well.

Outside the door, that fell into the floor like unboiled spaghetti, some stone chests were spread around haphazardly. He almost missed out on the contents inside since they only held one piece of clothing each, nestled at the very bottom. Strange waste of space. Well, at least he had something to cover himself with from the cool air. After slapping down the slate thingy on another stone thingy, he took a moment to think. It had been a lot of slate-slapping and not a lot of thinking, so he felt it best to try to get his bearings inside his own head.

Who was he? No clue. The voice that had come from the girl-head on top of the cucco had said “ _Link”_ , so it probably meant something. It felt familiar. He knew the word to be both a noun and a verb. Was it a command? Like, _“Link This to That!”_ No, that didn’t feel right. Also, there was nothing to link. Alright, just a statement, then? “ _This is a link._ ” Almost. _“a_ ” felt wrong. _“the”_ link. Yeah, that’s a bit better. He was the link. Or, specifically, he was Link.

Nothing else about himself came to mind for now, so he moved on. Why was he here? This one was easier: he had no idea. No point in lingering, then. What would he do now? Also easy. Get out of this murky cave and find a meal. Huis tummy happily agreed.

He took a break from thinking and instead thought about his thinking for a moment. Was it always so complicated? It had taken him way too many brain-words to realize his own damn name. Whatever. He became tired of braining and switched over to doing. Doing was easier. His muscles remembered a lot about doing, it would seem. And the first thing he did was to step out into the sunlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next up:** Navi is just generally done and could use an aspirin.  
>  I decided to post two chapters at once since this one was so short. Which style do you guys like better?  
> Send me requests/plot ideas in the comments or at [my Tumblr!](https://gerudofanfictionclub.tumblr.com/)  
> Kudos & komments keep the plot bunnies fed! <3


	3. III: Navi takes No Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Navi wakes up feeling rather shitty.

In the deepest confines of the Deku Tree there was a tiny room that housed a ridiculously tiny bed the size of a matchbox. Tucked in the bed was a small, winged girl approximately the size of a Hylian thumb.

She turned restlessly in her sleep whilst grumbling discontentedly, stretching her willowy little limbs and hugging the pillow. As she shuffled about, something tiny, round and painfully hard pressed through the fabric of the pillow, right into her cheekbone.

Her eyes snapped open.

*

“WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!” Bellowed Navi, buzzing out of the depths of the Deku Tree like an enraged wasp. The koroks startled and tried to busy themselves with not looking suspicious.

“No _seriously_ ”, explained Navi, “What _is_ this? _Shit_?!”

The brown little pebble made one flustered Korok blush guiltily, so Navi fixed him with a murderous stare. He gulped.

“I-it was…”, tried Chio the Korok, “A g-gift…”

“A gift”, she confirmed, then bristled. “Are you SHITTING me?!” The Deku Tree tried to withhold a chuckle.

Chio shuffled. “I made it, for you…”

“You _made…_ ” Navi twisted her body in the air like a discus thrower, launching the offending pebble into Chio’s face with staggering force.

“I am so _done_ with all of you”, realized Navi, “I just woke up, and I am so done.” She deflated a little and rubbed soothingly at her temples.

The Deku Tree coughed. “as it is, your awakening has coincided with the advent of staggering change”, he droned, “for transtemporal licentiousness has converged within Hyrule Castle to amalgamate into the avatar of, um, heinousness: Calamity Ganon”. Navi could feel the beginnings of another headache.

“Yes, yes”, agreed Navi, “sounds great. Where’s Link? _Is_ there a Link, this time around?”

The Great Deku Tree drew a large breath which had Navi waving her arms discouragingly in front of her face.

“Don’t answer, never mind! I’ll just…” she gestured, “Go figure it out for myself”, she sighed, grateful to have prevented another rambling. She fixed Chio with one last withering stare before fluttering away from the Deku Tree, eager to avoid any future headaches.

The tree hummed. “Heed this: The Hero exists. But he is not what you might remember”, he mused rather uselessly. Navi sighed.

“Listen: the last guy I helped save the world was this sexless, fumbling twink that didn’t know what his dick was for and kept yelling at everything he couldn’t understand”, snipped Navi. “It took me one thousand years to sleep off the fucking migraine, so anywhere we go from there is an upgrade.”

She did not await a reply before buzzing off through the trees with a cluck of her tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s just say that Navi probably will develop another migraine.  
>  **Next up:** Link stumbles and eats, mostly.  
>  Send me requests/plot ideas in the comments or at [my Tumblr!](https://gerudofanfictionclub.tumblr.com/)  
> Also: do you guys want smut in this fic or nah?


	4. IV: Link, meet World (Or: The World looks Good Enough to Eat)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link meets the world and makes a list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say that the next chapter will be longer, but it probably won't be

The Outside was… beautiful. Green, damp grass licked gently between his toes and the wind smelled of lush sunlight. He ran, without thinking, until the ground gave out in a sudden harsh cliffside, where he stopped right at the edge.

Green. So much green, shifting around veins of blue and broken by shards of sharp brown. His stomach growled happily: the world looked good, and ready to be digested.

“Hey! Boy!”

He reeled at the sudden voice and turned on his heels toward it, not really enjoying the taste of his heart at the back of his throat. A bit of a way away an old man sat beside a fire, baking apples. Before he even had time to register the drool pooling in his mouth, the old man… sank? No, the man was still, it was the Link that sank, back over the cliff.

He fell. And tumbled for a bit, and scrambled for purchase, until he finally could get a grip, in both meanings. The branch he had managed to catch groaned weakly under his weight. He groaned back, carefully rising himself on the gentling slope. He half-surfed, half-stumbled the rest of the way down, trying to ignore the pain of flaying his bare feet against the ground.

For some reason, he had an urge to grab everything he saw. If it was loose, he would take it, probably sniff it, and stuff it down the pocket of his blue underwear. He picked a red mushroom, the size of his open hand, and slid it easily into said pocket.

Weird. Five mushrooms more and the pocket still felt empty. Wait. Did his underwear eat the mushrooms or something? He would be so mad. He was so hungry. But no, when he put his hand in the pocket and thought about the mushroom, he would have the mushroom in his hand when he pulled it back out. Crazy. Really damn creepy, but also very practical.

He had the juices of his fifth apple running down his chin when he remembered the creepy old man. Maybe he knew what was going on. Maybe he would give Link a baked apple. And thus the trek back up the hill began, although he would probably be better off finding a path that wasn’t quite so… tumbly.

After a few minutes of weaving through the trees they started to thin, until they gave way to a field and a tiny lake. Or more of a puddle, really. It made him remember fish. Fish is a food! The memory came with the crackling of an open fire and the smell of smoky herbs, which made his mouth water once again. How is there so much water in there? How does it not run out? Whatever. Less thinking, more doing.

He approached the edge of the water until he could look down and froze on the spot when he could see a young man down there, in frayed clothes, and with a sharpened stick as a makeshift weapon. The man had dirt-blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, blue, suspicious eyes, a rather lithe build, and looked strangely familiar.

The man crouched at the same time Link did, ready to defend himself, and that’s how he realized. They both hid their faces in their free hand and the one not a reflection groaned. Who forgets what a reflection looks like?! He stared at himself. Well, to be fair, he couldn’t even remember his own face. So, to avoid further confusion and grow some sort of connection to his body, he stood by the water for a while, adding his features to memory.

*

That had been almost two weeks ago. Since then he had learned several things:

  * The girl who’s voice he had heard was named Zelda. She was a normal Hylian, except for being a princess and all, and her head was not attached to a cucco.
  * He liked naps. But apparently, he had been asleep for the last 100 years. He did not like that.
  * He knew how to fight. Well, not in his head, really: he would never be able to technically explain to himself what he did. But his muscles knew.
  * He knew how to cook. And it was his favourite thing to do. Correction: his second favourite. Number one on the list was eating.
  * He was the hero of Hyrule, the princess’ appointed knight, wielder of the master sword and destined to slay Calamity Gannon.



Not every bullet on the list seemed like a lot of fun, but somehow, he had accepted them as truths. It helped to live by what seemed to be his motto: less thinking, more doing. Somehow, he knew that the Link he was before that long nap would agree with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This looked longer in my .doc file... :)))) oh well.  
> Please tell me if there's anything in particular you'd like me to write about in this fic!  
> kudos/comments keep the plot bunnies fed! Thanks for reading <3  
>  **Next up:** To no one's Surprise, Link has a Bad Day


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